Sunday, 8 May 2016
Setelah sekian lama, baru sekarang aku dapat update blog ni dengan betul. Masa baru mengizinkan. Selama ni asyik simpan je post tapi tak reti publish. Huhu. Okay now let me back to the topic.

The word that easy to say but its hard to earn. The true friendship without any shits. Honestly, I am so tired with people who come and go as they pleased. Its really hard for me to trust people again cause I am hurting way too much! Every friendship will turn into shit so I decided to walk away from people and isolated myself from a word that we called 'friend' and live by my own for these past few months.

I have to admit, its not easy for me at first but eventually I slowly become okay with that situation without having any friends here. Slowly, I changed myself. From a talkative person to the quiet one. Day by day, I am isolating myself from others and live in my own world. Slowly, I pushed people away without I realized that. Each problem I had, I keep it to myself till it make my condition worsen day by day. In and out from a place called HOSPITAL is way too mainstream for me. Medicine and MC each and every week, I guess I am used to it.

Until one stage, the doctor asked me to go to psychiatrist because of my condition was getting worse as I had to bottle up every problems I had alone without having nobody whom I can share with even with my family. No one ever stay by my side during my hard time here. When I felt like wanted to collapse as my world darken, I finally realized that I actually have these kind of friendship. I actually do have somebody whom I can trust. But with this trust issue that gotten worst, I choose to push them away from me. But, I am so lucky as they did asked whether I am okay or not. In silent, they actually do care for me. It is just my negative thought kill my inner self with this mindset of having no one to stick by me.

Every year, I did lost a friendship because of a guy. It is because of my stupidity that ruined each friendship I had as I had to choose between a friendship or relationship. People pushed me away just because of a guy. But everything is changed for now. Even though I do not have any friendship inside the college, but I am lucky enough to have this one kind of friendship outside the college. I find it is hard to trust my college mate as I always being left out in the group. So yeah I choose to build a strong friendship with others outside the college.
Illi Nadia, my one and only best friend since I was 8, she is my silent guardian. I am sorry Illi for pushing you away but still you choose to stick by my side through my hard time. I am so lucky to have you by my side. I am really sorry for everything I had done towards you as I am too depressed till I thought I had no one I can rely on. I am so sorry. But I do love you buddy.

Sarah Yasmin, my motivator plus my fav counselor. No words I can describe how much I am grateful having you as my best buddy and listener. Since our secondary school, you never failed to make me feel better during my hardest time ever. I am really grateful for having you as a friend that full of advice and point out my mistakes that I did not realized I done it.

For my travel buddy, Hafiza Hamizi. I am so thankful towards you as you left me here in Ipoh with something that I can called a real friendship. Thank you for letting me knowing him. Thank you for bringing me in into your group. I am so thankful even though you choose to go to SPA, but still you did not left me here all alone.

Depression is ain't a joke guys. Just please take note. I had to go through the most hardest time all by myself till I had a depression that lead me to suicide. Yes, I did had that thought of suicide during my depression time. 

I locked up myself in the room all day, lost my weight about 5 kg, went out driving like a crazy lady till I cross the city without I realized that, I once had an accident and lost about RM600, I screwed up my attendance in the college, I did not study for every test I had and I was admit into the ward because I was too stressed out with everything. It it really my hard time ever in my life. But I am lucky enough my friend came to me when I already gave up with my life. They came to give me their support and bring back the side that I already lost.

I am so thankful for every one whom I can called as a friend that stay by my side when I need them the most. But seriously, I am so sorry guys for pushing everyone away during my depression time. That useless feeling made me throw people away like I never knew them. But still, you guys stay. No word can ever said how much I am happy having this kind of friendship. I love you guys! XOXO


@ 4:30 am